Does this make any sense?

There's this woman I used to work with at my survival job who's also an actress. She doesn't really work there anymore but does some stuff there once a week. We've never really talked about it, so I don't really know what her full story is, just from bits and pieces she's mentioned and I've overheard. I know she does some voice over stuff, and I think she's done a few plays and films. I have no idea what these films are - student films? short films? low budget films? indies? major motion pictures? I have no idea - it could even be background work. I have a feeling it's either low budget stuff or background work - I could be completely wrong, but that's the vibe I get. I don't think she has an agent. I also think she may have acted in some stuff in her native country.

I don't know if I ever mentioned this but no one at my job knows I'm an actor. Or maybe they do know but have never said anything about it. There were 2 people who used to be there who knew I did improv back in the day, and 2 more who I told after they left the company. I also think there may be a 3rd person who recently might have found out inadvertently. It's easier that way - since I can make my own hours, if I have an audition or shoot, I leave early or come in late with no explanation and no one questions it - I'm sure this makes certain people there mad, but hey, I get my work done - I can't help it if they aren't as organized! I just have this feeling that if I were to start bringing it up and say, "I'm leaving because I have an audition" it's going to open a can of worms I don't want opened - sarcastic comments, unwanted input, possibly even saying I can't leave. Yeah, it's much easier this way.

This woman used to tell our boss at the time when she would go on auditions. I also have a sneaking suspicion the boss had some deep secret desire to be an actor - all the reason more not to tell them. She'd also talk to one of our co-workers about her acting. One day I heard her say something along the lines of how she didn't HAVE to be an actress, if it never happens it would be okay. She also told me once that her passion was what she was doing at this day job. I also heard her say once after she left her full-time position that things were going good with the acting.

Okay, on the comment about not having to be an actress. I'm assuming by her saying "if it never happens" she meant making a living as an actor - I could go off on a whole rant about how you are an actor or you're not, but that's not the point. My first gut reaction is, well, I guess she doesn't want it that bad. There's tons more people out here who want it BAD so she stands no chance. I'm hearing more and more that if you don't give 100% and treat it like a 40 hour job, you'll NEVER make it. I've seen the level of commitment and work it takes. I've even heard if you have a 2nd career forget it - there's no way you can split your time between the two.

But, on the other hand, is she better off? Not wanting it so badly that there's no disappointment when it doesn't happen - when she doesn't get an audition, when she doesn't book a role, etc. Just kind of stumbling into stuff that comes along?

Hmm, I tend to agree with the first thing - you've got to WANT it, you have to be COMMITTED, and you have to WORK at it, and that's just scratching the surface - I haven't even mentioned setting SPECIFIC goals, networking, the business side of it, etc. Believe me, for a long time I just floated along, going to whatever audition came along. But that will only get you so far.

But, I think a little bit of the second part is a good thing. I mean, I always hear, don't be desperate, and I think that's where the 2nd part kind of plays into it - hey, I've got an audition, if I book it I do, if I don't, I don't.

Sometimes I have to ask myself how bad do I want this? Am I committed enough to it? Am I working hard enough? Am I ENJOYING it? But at the end of the day I can't imagine doing anything else. I can't walk away. Yeah, I think it's easy to forget to have fun, but I'm working on that! :)

As far as I know this woman is the fourth person I've worked with who's also an "actor." I put actor in quotes because I have no idea how serious these people are about their careers. I have a feeling they aren't all that serious about it. I think two of them did sketch and improv and the third one did do a co-star on one of my all-time favorite shows (jealous, SO jealous!!!) but they never talked about acting, so I don't' know if it was a fluke or not. I have a sneaking suspicion out of all these people I'm the most serious about it.

I have no idea where this is going anymore, so I'll tell the story of how the person was on one of my favorite shows. I was laying in bed watching it on DVD and was reading the credits to see if there was anyone I knew who did a co-star or guest star on the show. I hadn't recognized the person on the show, but saw their name in the credits. I paused the DVD, literally sat up in bed and shouted "No! No! No!!!!" Then I thought, I'M the only actor at my work! This is one of my favorite shows! How did THEY get on it. Lol. It was pretty funny now that I look back on it.

I have no idea what this post is about anymore. It made sense when I started it, lol. I guess the bottom line is, WANT it, be COMMITTED, but have FUN and sometimes take a step back :)

Weekly wrap-up

Another busy week gone by. I can't believe March is already more than half over! Wow.

The big news is...I got an iPhone last week! Finally! I've wanted one for so long! I've had it for a week and two days and I'm still obsessed with it.

On Wednesday morning I had an audition for a webisode thing and the iPhone saved my ass! I had mapped the address of the audition, but forgot to bring the suite number with me, oop. I thought I knew what it was, and was hoping there would be a sign. I thought about calling someone to go onto my account from the casting site I got this audition from and look up the info. Then I'm like, wait! I can look it up! I did have the right number, but it was still good to know that I can access my info anytime I need to.

The audition went alright, I do think what I've been learning in class helped me break down the script, but I think I could've done a little better than I did.

I was really stressed last week because I was shooting a film on Saturday and had to learn a really really wordy script that made no sense. This whole experience has been stressing me out. I'm in the middle of writing a post about the saga, so I'll post it when I'm done.

I also had my sitcom class on Saturday. We had a great demo reel editor come and talk to us. It was really interesting - he gave us a lot of good tips about demo reels. Oh, and he happened to know someone who I was in a short film with a few years ago and is now a series regular on a show. I'm considering having this dude edit my reel when I'm ready...or maybe I'll just take the tips he gave us and try doing it on my own. That's a tough decision. I'll have to think about it some more.

I also heard from my internship last week - finally. They said they might need help on Monday and Tuesday and I e-mailed back saying I was available but never heard anything back. I really wish I knew what was going on with this.

I actaully made it to a guest at TAN this week! I really need to start going again. I dragged myself over there and I'm really glad I did becuase it was a great guest.

This week was also my last class, sort of. Technically I'm done, and I start the new class next week. But I get to go to the industry guest next week, so it's not really over. It's been so long since I first found out I was going to be in this master class. It's also a little odd that I'm fininshed with the class I was in. I also found out one other person who's going to be in the class with me and it's someone I've known for awhile so that's cool. Oh, and they have no idea what we're going to do in the class either, so I'm not the only one who's clueless!

So that's the wrap-up of this week. Why do I feel like I'm busy but not getting anything done?

Basement or cellar?

I'm so messed up from the time change. I hate pushing the clocks forward and losing an hour of sleep. My cats woke me up after 7am to be fed and I was happy they didn't wake me up earlier! Then I realized, wait, it's really like 6am! Maybe this way they won't wake me up earlier anymore. Who I'm I kidding. I go through this every year thinking they'll wake me up later but they adjust quicker than I do and my tomorrow they'll be waking my up at 6am!

So I've now gone to four out of seven of my sitcom classes. So far it's been good but last Saturday I was starting to get sick, and yesterday I was getting over being sick, and I didn't sleep well the night before, and I didn't each much before class, so I felt very, very, very off during class yesterday.

It's also starting to get a little "heady" in the class. A HUGE part of it is breaking down the script to find the jokes. It makes sense, but it seems like whenever I do that my acting technique goes right out the window. Things are approached a little different in this class than in my other class and it's almost like I need to take that extra step and take all the info and approach it from the way I do in my other class - convert it to something I can grasp a little easier. It's almost like converting a file on my computer. The thing is, the exercises we do in class, we do them pretty much cold, and there isn't always time for me to be converting a file, lol! Plus I don't work fast at all. This is why it's sooooo important for me to go to my other class when this teacher is the guest. Show them what I can do when I've had more time to prepare and just go in there and kick ass!

Another thing that confuses me a little bit but I think I'm starting to sort out is the terminology. I've now taken sitcom classes at three different places and some of the terminology is different. They have slightly different names for the same types of jokes. Like some people call it a "couch" and others call it a "sofa." Some people call it a "footstool" others call it an "ottoman." The trick is figuring out okay, "couch" and "sofa" mean the same thing. "Couch" and "footstool" are not the same. Then of course there was the one teacher who I think just made up their own terminology for jokes. In fact I even remember being in class one day and discussing a joke and the teacher said something like "we're gonna call it this." That's fine, but horribly confusing when I started taking other classes and workshops and NO ONE used this terminology! To make matters worse, it was the first sitcom class I ever took, so that terminology sort of stuck with me. So again I'm there converting information! The good thing is the newer, (and I suspect correct) terminology I'm learning is sinking in and it's much easier now that I figured out there aren't 1000s of types of jokes, I just know too many differnt names for the same stuff!

Other than that, I never heard anything from that workshop/play I auditioned for. I'm kind of bummed because I would've like to have done it, but what can you do. I have NO idea what they were looking for. With the audition that wide open ("do anything!") all I could do is go in there and be myself and if they didn't like it there's absoluetly nothing I can do.

Okay, I need to go to the gym. I haven't been in over a week because I wasn't feeling well. I think I'll wait a little while longer. I love going later on Sunday's becuase it's not as busy.

The check was in the mail...finally!

First the good news. I finally got paid for that student gig I did last year! The check came today and I'm going to the bank and depositing it right away.

So I was glad I went to class the other night. It turned out to be a really fun class. I felt a little off because I've been sick, but other than that it was a good class.

I talked to my teacher after class about the whole situation with the industry guest coming and my last class being the "getting ready for it" week. They pretty much thought I was insane for thinking they wouldn't let me go to the industry guest class, lol. Oh well, I'm pretty sure my teacher thinks I'm insane anyway so at least I got that cleared up. Now that I think about it I have no idea why I thought I wouldn't be able to go to the class and why I thought it was so weird just ending the class before.

I feel like I'm just in this big bubble of confusion about this new class. I have no clue what we'll be doing in it, I'm not even 100% who's teaching it, and at this point I'm not even positive I have the right start date, ugh. I know it's all good. I don’t deal with transitions well. I learned this my sophomore or junior year of college. I think it was sophomore. I always thought change was good, but I'd get so crazy about it. Picking classes for the next semester, picking a dorm room for the next year, etc, even though I loved it I'd go crazy. I thought I hated change - was I just this boring person who wanted to keep everything the same and never change? (Although, looking back on it now, a semester or a year was NOT a long time at all!) Then I remember one year after finals I was talking with a friend of mine. It was that weird week where there were finals and most people were done and gone but some were still there. She had one more final at the end of the week so she had started moving her stuff out of the dorms and went home for a few days. She said she didn't deal with transition well. She knew she was moving back home for the summer but was still sort of in the dorm. She said once she was done and officially moved out and home she would be fine, but she hated the transition. Wow. It all made sense. Why delay the inevitable? Good or bad. It's so true. Change is good (well, most of the time) but it's the damn transition that drives me crazy! That's exactly how I feel about this class. I'm excited! A change is good! But I just want it to start! I guess this is also a little bit of my impatience at work too, lol.

I guess I feel like I'm in limbo about too many things - I'm supposed to be doing a film that I FINALLY got the shoot date for, and I'm not 100% sure what's going on with this internship. I'm doing stuff from home right now, and got an e-mail from the person who I deal with, and I e-mailed back with a few questions and never heard back. I'm going to e-mail the other intern to see if she's heard anything.

Oh, that reminds me! I think the other intern is in my class now! Because we've been working from home we've only met once, so I'm not 100% sure, but I thin it's her. This is so weird. There were two new people in class this week. By the end of class I forgot their names. Later on that night, or maybe the next morning, (or maybe I dreamed it?) I was lying in bed half asleep and was like, I think one of the new people in my class is the other intern. I thought it was just my half-awake mind thinking crazy thoughts. Then I was trying to remember the person's name, and I'm like, wait, I think they had the same name as the intern. It's the same person. No, it's just my half-asleep mind thinking crazy thoughts! I forgot about it until yesterday when I was looking at a message on Facebook sent from the place where I take class and was looking at who else got the message and I recognized the name of the other intern as one of them. It HAS to be the same person. How weird. The oddest thing is that when I went to the internship meeting the person thought we already knew each other but we had happened to meet outside. How strange!

Okay, I need to go get ready so I go deposit my check! Whoo-hoo!

To go or not to go...

I've been sick, but I'm going to suck it up and go to acting class tonight. I'm in that weird zone where if I go I'll be like, ugh, I shouldn't have, and if I don't go, I'll feel better this evening and wish I had went. I can do a make-up class but then I have to fit that into my schedule and sometimes it's a pain. I also want to try to a film festival later this week and it's the same day as I would have to make-up class.

Hmm, now I have a headache again and maybe should skip class. I'm completely useless when I'm sick. But I might feel better if I go to class. And I actually WANT to go to class. I have to make up my mind SOON or I miss the cut-off time and won't be able to make up the class.

I never did write about my evaluation from class several weeks ago. I was really curious how it would go because I felt like I had this massive breakthrough and improved more in the past month than I did last year. I was just hoping my teacher wouldn't ask me the reason behind this sudden change because to be honest, I really don't know why, but tried to come up with a few possible explanations. I was hoping they would be like, don't think about why it's happening, just keep it up!

Nothing really surprising came up in the evaluation. I always feel like it's report card time when this rolls around. Anyway, my teacher did bring up my recent "shift" and asked me why it happened. Ugh. I said I was trying not to let things affect me as much in general and I'm really trying to focus on some specific things that really ground me when we do scenes in class. My teacher's reaction to that was pretty much, "duh, I've been saying that all along!" Okay, so it took me a little longer! But to be completely honest, I don't think that's the whole story. I don't know why I had this breakthrough, but I think it's something more than what we talked about. It's like someone flipped a switch and it all makes sense now.

Then we got to the portion of the evaluation where we talk about what I need to work on and the dreaded "C" word came up. Confindence. Ugh. Basically my teacher told me to keep doing what I'm doing and to have confidence about it because they're not really sure where I am with that. Ugh. I hate having a talk about confidence. I don't know if I come off as confident or not. I try to but don’t know if I do. Then my teacher told me that I've been in class long enough that I should be at the top of the class confidence-wise.

But I guess none of that matters because now I'm switching class. But in a weird way I think that bumped up my confidence because I'm like "hey, they think I'm good enough to be in that class!"

In other news, the person who teaches the new class I'm going to be taking was the guest speaker at my class on Saturday. I'm not completely surprised by this and had an odd feeling they would be one of the guest speakers. But it's still kind of weird - teacher A is a guest in Class B, and teacher B is going to be a guest in Class A. So I don’t know if this makes things easier or more complicated with trying to get my teacher to let me come to the class where teacher B is the guest. Ugh. Will they be like, "oh, you don't need to meet them, you know them" or "it will be good to show them a prepared scene." Hmm. I actually did talk to someone who used to be in Class A with me and is now in Class B - they said that I should try to go to the class where teacher B is the guest, I should tell them that I take teacher B's class now, and I've been in class A long enough that they should just let me go for free. Lol. I like that answer, but this person is a little odd, so I don't know. They did agree that it was weird and a waste of time to end the class on the prep week.

Either way, this was sort of the missing piece to the puzzle - I wanted teacher B to know I'm in class A and study with teacher A. Now they know. Still, I'd really like to show teacher B what I can do with a prepared scene. I need to talk to my current teacher and my argument is going to be that teacher B knows me and I want them to see what I can do with a scene I've worked on all week. Of course, now I need to do a kick-ass job or it's all a waste of time and will hurt me more than help me. Oy! The pressure!

Okay, I guess I'm going to class tonight. I need to go get ready.