We have to go back Kate! We have to go back!

Either you get the reference or you don't ;)

I wanted to elaborate on my recent class experience. For the past few months-possibly longer-I just hadn't been "feeling" it in class. Actually, I hadn't been "feeling" a lot of things. I think I mentioned this before but I spent most of 2008 just "going through the motions." Overall it was a VERY productive year but something wasn't "there."

After having a few conversations with various people I realized I really need to get back to where I was mentally about three years ago, possibly even longer. An old acting coach of mine told me something along the lines of "you're very confident - you don’t care if when you just make a choice you just go with it and don't care if it's the wrong choice" Somewhere in the past 3 I lost this. I don't know, maybe it was naivety - I didn't know any better so I just did what I thought I should do and stuck with it. Then I think I started getting into situations - new classes, CD workshops, better auditions - where I realized okay, maybe I'm not as good as I thought I was. Throw in the big burnout of 2008 and I was a mess. Now that naivety was gone I was very caught up in the right way to break down a script, do a scene, etc. I was so in my head about it all - I mean, I understood it all, but when it came to actually doing the scene it fell flat. I really felt like my acting had improved, but had just become flat, if that makes any sense. How could I make myself stand out from the others? I did have a few conversations with my current acting teacher about what I needed to work on, and I totally understood what they were talking about but had a hard time putting it into action. I was really at the point where I was like "maybe this class isn't working for me and it's time to move on," and "Is this is? Is this the best I can be?" It was very frustrating and I was PRAYING that I'd have some sort of breakthrough, but I honestly thought, how? I really started to believe the breakthrough was never gonna come.

I needed to get back to that place I was three years ago.

Well, last week it happened...I had some sort of breakthough...FINALLY! I did my scene, got a little direction that was kind of from left field, and just ran with it. Was it perfect? No, but I had committed to the scene 110% and that even carried though to the other scenes we did that night.

It was like a switch was flipped on in my mind - oh my god, THIS is what I need to be doing! Or more important, this is what it FEELS like! And since then I've felt 100% better about things - not just class, but everything in general. I really, really feel like my old self. I don't know why or how this happened, but I don't WANT to know - I just want it to continue!

I also realized I had not been committing 100% when I was in a scene. Wow. This is kind of a hard thing for me to accept because I always thought I DID commit to scenes 100%. But if what I did last week is 100%, then I haven't been there in the past. It's almost a horrifying thought.

So, mentally I'm back where I was three years ago...but better! I'm just hoping it continues! Now that I've done this once I want it to continue! I'm actually excited about class this week but feel pressure to do well and hope it wasn't just a fluke...I'm not even going to think about it.

So now that things are back on the upswing I decided to stay in my current class. Then today I get an e-mail about an interesting opportunity. Someone who is a bona-fide working professional in the industry is teaching a 2 month class. And I don't think they teach it that often. I tried to take it once in the past but it didn't work out. This class is somewhat unique the way it's done - I think it focuses more on what happens AFTER you book a job and it run like you're on set. Every other single class I've taken is more about the audition, or cold reading, or scene study, etc. So, do I take it this time? I think I can swing it financially IF I take a leave of absence from my other class...but I want to take BOTH classes! Ugh! And this class would be a networking opportunity. BUT this person already knows my work. But I KNOW I would learn a lot from this class. I need to send a deposit but don’t need to pay the rest until it starts, which is about three weeks away. I could use the money I've started putting aside for my vacation next fall...hmm. I need to think about it for awhile, but need to give them an answer today because space is limited...

Okay, I'm meeting my new power buddy later this afternoon so I'm going to go think about this class and get ready for that.

I feel really good. Better than I've felt in a long time. It's almost scary...